CHAPTER 2.5: LIES
For many months, we had lived and survive through pretending. We would fake a smile like nothing is wrong between us. And it hurts me so much that the old 'us' is gone. We were like strangers living at the same home. I don't even know if it was proper to call it a home, when no trace of happiness can be detected in there.
It was two days before Christmas, when I can no longer handle the guilt and the hatred I am feeling on myself and on everything.
I decided to confront her. I was half drank. I didn't want to drink, because I know she hates it when I drink, but I just did because I needed the courage to tell her everything.
"Cousin! cousin open the door! please!" I shouted banging at her door. "we need to talk! Cousin..." Finally, she opened her door, rubbing her puffy red eyes. I know, that for many months now, she was always crying herself to sleep.
"What's wrong France? Is there something wrong? Are you okay? Please calm down, you're drank..." she asked full of concerned in her eyes.
"You asked me what's wrong? EVERYTHING IS! Am I okay? I'm not! You are not! We are not okay! I've betrayed you cousin, but you said we'll just fucking forget about it! How can you say that we'll all forget about it? Huh? How can you even forgive me? How can you not be mad at me after what I've done? How can you pretend you're okay and that you've moved on when you've been crying yourself to sleep every single night? Do you think I don't know? Do you think I'm that stupid? Huh? Why don't you just hurt me! Be mad at me! Just please do something because I can no longer handle seeing you that way! Please stop being nice when you're already hurting...Its killing me seeing you like that..." I said with all my might, tears running down with both our eyes.
She then came closer at me, and look me straight in the eyes, "Do you know why? Because I love you too much that I don't want you to get hurt. I love you too much that I'm willing sacrifice my own happiness, just to see you smile... And if its Christopher you want" I saw in her eyes, that its painful to even say his name. "then I am willing to sacrifice."
I was confused to her last sentence. She thought I wanted Chris? What???
"What was that? Chris? You thought I wanted Chris? No, no... no" I said shaking my head, confused.
"What No? I thought you like him! that's why you always look pissed whenever we're together and sweet. And you always tell me, our relationship was too boring and all that. I always have my suspicions, but I don't want to judge so fast, that's why when you told me something happened between you and him, I accepted the truth that you do want him... " she told me, confused too. "I was right, right? or not?"
"No, you are wrong couz. I was always pissed when I see you both together because I hate seeing happy couple, because my mom and dad's marriage never seem to work out" I said tears was starting to form in my eyes again, remembering my parents. "And about what happen, it was all just a mistake. He came drank here, and I was drank too, because I was heartbroken by Rob, remember him? the asshole who two timed me? Anyway, when Chris came, he thought I was you, and I thought he was Rob asking for forgiveness, that's why I gave in. I promise I didn't know it was Chris, until morning. I was so scared at that time that you would found out, but he told me to tell you the truth, because he doesn't want us keeping something like that to each other. Even if it will hurt you, because he knows you hate lying. He told me, we should not escape from the truth, and the truth is telling you what happen. We decided to tell you cousin. That day you saw me crying, he just called that night to tell me he was on his way. But what I really want to say is he is a good guy couz, he really is. And I know that he loves you so much that he was afraid to hurt you, but at the same time, he was scared to lie to you too. Truth is, after all this time, he still checks on you. he always asked me how have you been, if you've been eating right and all that... "
"Oh! I thought you were kinda getting together, that's why he calls often... " she interrupt, a little smile on her still confused face.
"No, that's bull. The way you think, you know that? haha. Anyway, we know, I know, its our fault. It was a big mistake. A big scar that can never be erased in our hearts, especially in your heart. But still, I never stop hoping and wishing that everything will be okay in the right time, when the wound we created will heal. And I wish that at that time, our old relationship will come back, the way we used to be. The old us. Because I really miss you so much couz. I miss the old us... When you're not by my side, those nightmares keeps on coming in my sleep again, because you were not there to color my dull world... " I said crying hard.
She hugged me tight and said "You don't have to say sorry dear. I should be the one apologizing, for treating you the way I did, for the last couple of months. I'm sorry dear... For not being there for you..." I shake my head to say no "But if you think you did do something wrong, then you're forgiven. You will always be forgiven, because you are my baby forever. Remember that okay? Now don't cry... ssshhh. I'm here now, I will not leave you anymore."
We hugged and cried that night, until I remember about Chris, I still owe him.
"Couz?" I said. "Yes dear?"
"Remember that he loves you too okay? There wasn't anyone else, it has been and it will always be you, I know it. I see it the way he looks at you." I looked at her to see her reacton, and I can see that there's no need to tell her anymore, because deep inside her heart, she knows too.
She smiled and said "I know dear, trust me I know. And I love you both very much too. More than my life. And I know that I was stupid for getting you both out of my life for months. But I've learned now, and I have decided that i will love you both for the rest of my life. You two, are the most special here." She said pointing at her heart.
I smiled and hug her to sleep. And for such a long time, that was the first night that I've fallen asleep without my nightmare.
