whenimwithyou.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

CHAPTER 2.5: LIES

For many months, we had lived and survive through pretending. We would fake a smile like nothing is wrong between us. And it hurts me so much that the old 'us' is gone. We were like strangers living at the same home. I don't even know if it was proper to call it a ~~home,~~ when no trace of happiness can be detected in there.

It was two days before Christmas, when I can no longer handle the guilt and the hatred I am feeling on myself and on everything.

I decided to confront her. I was half drank. I didn't want to drink, because I know she hates it when I drink, but I just did because I needed the courage to tell her everything.

"Cousin! cousin open the door! please!" I shouted banging at her door. "we need to talk! Cousin..." Finally, she opened her door, rubbing her puffy red eyes. I know, that for many months now, she was always crying herself to sleep.

"What's wrong France? Is there something wrong? Are you okay? Please calm down, you're drank..." she asked full of concerned in her eyes.

"You asked me what's wrong? EVERYTHING IS! Am I okay? I'm not! You are not! We are not okay! I've betrayed you cousin, but you said we'll just fucking forget about it! How can you say that we'll all forget about it? Huh? How can you even forgive me? How can you not be mad at me after what I've done? How can you pretend you're okay and that you've moved on when you've been crying yourself to sleep every single night? Do you think I don't know? Do you think I'm that stupid? Huh? Why don't you just hurt me! Be mad at me! Just please do something because I can no longer handle seeing you that way! Please stop being nice when you're already hurting...Its killing me seeing you like that..." I said with all my might, tears running down with both our eyes.

She then came closer at me, and look me straight in the eyes, "Do you know why? Because I love you too much that I don't want you to get hurt. I love you too much that I'm willing sacrifice my own happiness, just to see you smile... And if its Christopher you want" I saw in her eyes, that its painful to even say his name. "then I am willing to sacrifice."

I was confused to her last sentence. She thought I wanted Chris? What???

"What was that? Chris? You thought I wanted Chris? No, no... no" I said shaking my head, confused.

"What No? I thought you like him! that's why you always look pissed whenever we're together and sweet. And you always tell me, our relationship was too boring and all that. I always have my suspicions, but I don't want to judge so fast, that's why when you told me something happened between you and him, I accepted the truth that you do want him... " she told me, confused too. "I was right, right? or not?"

"No, you are wrong couz. I was always pissed when I see you both together because I hate seeing happy couple, because my mom and dad's marriage never seem to work out" I said tears was starting to form in my eyes again, remembering my parents. "And about what happen, it was all just a mistake. He came drank here, and I was drank too, because I was heartbroken by Rob, remember him? the asshole who two timed me? Anyway, when Chris came, he thought I was you, and I thought he was Rob asking for forgiveness, that's why I gave in. I promise I didn't know it was Chris, until morning. I was so scared at that time that you would found out, but he told me to tell you the truth, because he doesn't want us keeping something like that to each other. Even if it will hurt you, because he knows you hate lying. He told me, we should not escape from the truth, and the truth is telling you what happen. We decided to tell you cousin. That day you saw me crying, he just called that night to tell me he was on his way. But what I really want to say is he is a good guy couz, he really is. And I know that he loves you so much that he was afraid to hurt you, but at the same time, he was scared to lie to you too. Truth is, after all this time, he still checks on you. he always asked me how have you been, if you've been eating right and all that... "

"Oh! I thought you were kinda getting together, that's why he calls often... " she interrupt, a little smile on her still confused face.

"No, that's bull. The way you think, you know that? haha. Anyway, we know, I know, its our fault. It was a big mistake. A big scar that can never be erased in our hearts, especially in your heart. But still, I never stop hoping and wishing that everything will be okay in the right time, when the wound we created will heal. And I wish that at that time, our old relationship will come back, the way we used to be. The old us. Because I really miss you so much couz. I miss the old us... When you're not by my side, those nightmares keeps on coming in my sleep again, because you were not there to color my dull world... " I said crying hard.

She hugged me tight and said "You don't have to say sorry dear. I should be the one apologizing, for treating you the way I did, for the last couple of months. I'm sorry dear... For not being there for you..." I shake my head to say no "But if you think you did do something wrong, then you're forgiven. You will always be forgiven, because you are my baby forever. Remember that okay? Now don't cry... ssshhh. I'm here now, I will not leave you anymore."

We hugged and cried that night, until I remember about Chris, I still owe him.
"Couz?" I said. "Yes dear?"
"Remember that he loves you too okay? There wasn't anyone else, it has been and it will always be you, I know it. I see it the way he looks at you." I looked at her to see her reacton, and I can see that there's no need to tell her anymore, because deep inside her heart, she knows too.

She smiled and said "I know dear, trust me I know. And I love you both very much too. More than my life. And I know that I was stupid for getting you both out of my life for months. But I've learned now, and I have decided that i will love you both for the rest of my life. You two, are the most special here." She said pointing at her heart.

I smiled and hug her to sleep. And for such a long time, that was the first night that I've fallen asleep without my nightmare.

♥ 11:22 AM

CHAPTER 2: LIES

9:15 pm

my room

Our dinner date was stunning. I was in a total awe when he led me to the rooftop of his condo.

Rose petals are scattered everywhere, there are pink and white candles lighted on the side, and there’s a band singing “like only a woman can”. The song he dedicates to me.

I promise not to cry but I cried when I saw all that. I can’t help it; I was so touched by what he had done.
And that’s one of the things I’m grateful about Carlo, he always surprised me. He always, always managed to make me smile.

He then took my hand and led me to the table where he prepared a candle light dinner and gave me a bouquet of pink roses, my favorite.

I used to hate these kinds of things. I always thought it was too cheesy, that it’s just so yesterday kind of thing. But I was proven wrong now that it’s happening to me already.

“This is so wonderful honey, thank you…” I said hugging him.

“You don’t need to thank me honey, you’re worth more than this”, Carlo said looking at me with intense eyes. I was so touched by what he said that tears started forming in my eyes again. He then leans down to give me a sweet kiss on the lips.

I was so busy chronicling my date when my Brother knocks in my door asking me to have a movie marathon with him and my cousin, Krisha, who just arrived when I was out this early evening.

Krisha, as I told you, was my cousin, my closest cousin actually. She was almost like this journal. She’s like a sister I never had. When my mom and dad are so busy and all that, she was there for me. She was the one who comforted me when I’m sad, the one who cheered me up when I was depressed, the one who fights for me, when I was hurt by some stupid guy, and the one who celebrated with me in times of my success. She was the kind of girl, that will sacrifice her own happiness for the people she loves.

For 10 years of my life, she was the one who was there to teach me everything I needed to learn about adolescence and growing up, because my mom was not there to guide me in life.

She was only 4 years older than me, but she manages to be a mom to me, a friend, and a teacher. But that all changed when her boyfriend, Christopher, asked her to marry him and she refused and told him she’s not yet ready.

But I know that she’s just thinking about me.

That night was the first time I saw her cry that hard, that’s why even if that decision will change everything between our relationship, even if it means she’ll leave me already, I told her to accept the proposal and be happy with him, because I don't want to take away her happiness anymore.

I told her not to worry about me because I can already take care of myself and that its time now that she thinks of her happiness now rather than me.

She called Chris right away that night and accepted the proposal and they got married, me being her maid in honor.

It was a happy and sad memory for me.

9:45 pm

“Dear...” Krisha called outside my room, she always calls me that, because for her, I was forever her baby.

“Cousin!” I shouted and hugged her tightly, “I miss you so much” I said crying now. “Sshh, don’t cry. Its okay my baby. I miss you too.” she said hugging me tightly.

It’s been 2 years since I last saw her, the day she and her husband decided to live in California, to start a family there. She was just here for a short vacation, actually.

We watched tons of movies that night, but we didn’t really get to concentrate because we talk non-stop about what’s going on with our lives.

I’ve mention seeing Travis again.

Yes, she knew about him, she was the only one who knows about my secret love for him before. She witnessed it all.

FLASHBACK 9 YEARS AGO…

7:30 pm
our kitchen

“No I’m not! You’re the loser! hahaha” I said to Travis on the phone. I was talking to him again, goofing around actually. It’s been a year since I first met him online. Now, it seems like were best of friends already. Everyday, we would text or call each other and talk about silly stuffs. There was never a time he forgot about me. He always manages to text or calls me at least once a day.

“Dear!” my cousin called from the living room. “dear!” she called out again. I didn’t answer straight away that’s why she decided to go in the kitchen to check on me. “Hey, who’s? …” she asked. “I’ll tell later” I mouthed to her. She nod and left.

8:30 pm

“So, who’s the mystery caller?” she asked as soon as I sat down on the sofa beside her. That’s when I spill it all out, from how we met and all the details.

********

11 am

I woke up this morning from the delicious smell of pasta being cook in the kitchen. Cousin.I smile to myself.

We talk about so many things last night that the sun was already out when we both decided to sleep.

She told me about her life as a wife. She said it was the best feeling in the world. That no matter how tired you are from work and stuff, just knowing that your husband was there waiting for you, makes everything okay.

The only problem is, after 3 years of being married, they still couldn't bear a child. And that's what hurts her the most, because she fear that she has a problem, that she doesn't have the ability to give Christopher a child.

She cried so hard last night that I couldn't almost make her stop. She's suffering so much, but I can't do anything about it. I felt so useless. All my life she she was always there to fix everything for me, even if at times she knows it would cause her pain.She was always there to make everything alright. And now she's the one in need of help, I would do a anything to help her, even if I don't have any idea how, but I promise to do everything just to repay everything she has done for me. I don't like seeing her hurt and miserable again, I promise, I will make her happy.

FLASHBACK 7 YEARS AGO

I was in college. I remember clearly how I had hurt the most important person in my life. The one who loves me the most. ~~Krisha.~~

7:45 pm

garden

"What's wrong dear?" Krisha asked when she saw me crying. "nothing.. its nothing." I answered trying to wipe my tears.

"hey.. talk to me. You know you can trust me right?' she said looking straight in my eyes, trying to comfort me. That's when I felt I can no longer handle everything. I broke down in tears and told her everything.

"I slept with Christopher couz.." I saw her get shocked. "I'm so sorry, it was a mistake, I didn't mean to, I don't know how, we're both drunk, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry..." I said crying so hard now, I am not even sure if she understand a thing I said.

Instead of getting angry at me, as I expect her to, she didn't. She comforted me instead and told me I don't have to say sorry, it was not my fault.

She told me, Chris already told her, and that everything's fine. That she completely understand, and that we'll all just forget about this.

Days later, I just found out she and Chris broke up.

I asked her why, she just smiled and told me, "Well I realized you were right, its such a long relationship already. I want something new." Then she left, to continue cooking in the kitchen. I knew she was lying

I hated myself that day. I was so mad at myself for doing what I have done to her. For doing a thing that will hurt Krisha, the person who have loved me the most.

After that incident we didn't talk about it again. Like it never really happened at all. That nothing is wrong, when we both knew to ourselves that everything is wrong.

I wanted to talk to her, to ask her for forgiveness once more, but I didn't. I was a coward.

♥ 11:20 AM

Monday, December 28, 2009

CHAPTER 1.5: GENIE FRANCESCA

12 nn

As expected he was sitting there at the corner of the restaurant, his favorite place, wearing my favorite smile that makes my knees go jello-id. Stupid me.

I started walking to where he was seated, my heart beating triple times with my every step. From where I was, his place is just like steps away, but it seems like forever before I finally reached him.

He stand up to greet me and to give me a big bear hug, "I miss you my cutie" he said hugging me tighter. "I miss you more" I replied, tears forming in my eyes. Yes, I miss him so much, more than he does.

That's when I remembered when we first saw each other personally...

FLASHBACK 6 YEARS AGO...

4:30 pm
parking lot

Finally, I'll meet him today. My virtual best-friend for almost 4 years now. I am so nervous. "there's no going back now", I told myself, letting out a sigh.

We decided to meet in the park, near the ocean, because he loves anything that says "water". I am the opposite, I hate it.

I know I was running late already, but can't do anything about it because my knees are trembling so much that I can't seem to walk normally.

It was 5pm when I already reached the ocean, and saw him at a bench near the fountain, smiling and gazing at the ocean.

I just saw him on pictures before, but I was sure that's him. For some reason, my heart knows him, my self recognize him, my best-friend.

I began walking towards him, stop at his side and held out my right hand and said, "Hi my Travis, I'm your Francy", I said proudly with a naughty smile. We always call each other that when we're teasing each other. He then looked up with the most beautiful smile and gave me a hug instead of shaking my hand.
I hug him back, even though its our first meeting personally, and you know, I was raised conservative, but somehow I've felt, as if I've miss him all my life. My soul, mind, and heart knows him.

Minutes passed, he still wouldn't let go, but feeling awkward already, I was the one to release from the hug. He didn't complain, and just led me to the bench where he was sited before, and held my hands.

It seems like an eternity passed and we're still not talking, but surprisingly, I still felt comfortable and safe beside him. Beside the man that I love, my best-friend.

****************

5:45 pm
my room

I just got home, and was running late for my dinner date with Carlo. I immediately changed my business attire to a cute dress I bought last week, retouch my make-up, and sprayed some perfume.

I went downstairs, and saw Carlo already waiting there and talking to my brother about Avatar, obviously. I sighed.
I greeted him and kiss him on the cheek.

They still continue talking for about 20 minutes, until I sent a warning look to my brother, and finally let us go with our date.

On our way to his place, I thought about my reunion with Travis. It was nice and comforting, and yeah, I wont deny that it was also confusing.

After hugging me, we sat down, ordered, and he asked me about my life, what's new, what's going on and all that. I answered truthfully with details, I told you, he's like this journal, then asked him the same questions. We talk for almost 5 hours, but still can't get enough of each other. That's how we are when we are together, it feels like there's no tomorrow. And I was afraid that there will no really be.

For that 5 hours we didn't even had a chance to talk about what we're supposed to because our time was wasted chatting about our lives, though I wouldn't really call it wasted. I had fun, and I really miss him a lot.

He's now working as the president of their business. Our meeting would be about the project we're about to conduct together. They would be promoting condominiums, and they chose our company to do it.

And I was so happy that we set another meeting to talk about the real deal, another mistake, another lie, but another joy for me.

I was writing that down in my journal, when Carlo interrupted me saying we've arrived already. He didn't even complain that instead of talking to him, I was busy doodling and writing in my journal. That's how much he loves and respect me. And so I feel guilty again.

He open the door for me, while I suddenly cursed myself, for not being fair and honest to him. This was the first time that I kept something big from him. I didn't mean to, but I was scared that if I tell him, things would go wrong.

I will tell him in the right time, just not now. Please. I wasn't ready.

♥ 10:14 PM

CHAPTER 1: GENIE FRANCESCA

7:30 am
my office

It has been 3 years since I last wrote in this journal. I remember what I promise before, way back in high-school, that whatever happens, I will always be true to this diary, it will serve as my closest friend. The friend I can tell everything to, and that change when he came.
He came into my life 10 years ago...

"hi hon!" said Carlo interrupting my thoughts. Carlo is my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. He gave me a kiss on the cheek then asked "why are you early?"
I cleared my thoughts and stand up to gave him a hug,"because its mom and dad's flight today, and so I had to wake up early to see them off, then headed straight here"

"oh yeah, sorry about that. I was really busy last night that I forgot" He said with his pleading look while playing with my hair, "that's okay, I know what you're going through, and they understand too " I said giving him a peck on the cheek.

Carlo Maniago is the next heir of their family business, the Maniago's Incorporated. Being the only son, all the pressure was on him. I met him 4 years ago, while I'm at the stake of finding a job. Actually, I never thought we would be together. He is a billionaire's son, a real gentleman, the boy next door. Every girl want him, and so I never thought he would actually take notice of me.

Me, of all the supermodels out there who's already offering themselves to him.

So, I never really thought that we'd actually be together, He's all that, but to be honest, he was not my type at first, I always thought he's too gentle or something. But because I saw his determination, I accepted him, because I saw that he loves me a lot, 10 times more than I love him actually.
And I actually feel guilty about that.

"hon, don't forget our lunch date later, okay?" he asked breaking my thoughts again.

"I can't honey, I have a lunch meeting with a client" I said, then added, "how about dinner?" because I saw him frown.
"okay then, I'll pick you up at 6 okay? I have to work now. I love you" He kissed me on the forehead then headed to his office.
"love you too.." I whispered too late.

I feel guilty alright, its true that I have a meeting with a client later, but what I didn't tell is its with my long lost best-friend. The one I'm thinking about when Carlo interrupted my thoughts. The one who knows every little thing about me like this diary. The one I've been secretly in love with 10 years ago.

He's the reason why I decided to write in this journal again. I don't know why, but it seems that he's connected to this.

I wanted to see him not because I'm still in love with him, but because I wanted to prove to myself that what I felt before for him was just a deep infatuation.

FLASHBACK 10 YEARS AGO..

8:10 pm
our garden

"so what do you think?" my cousin Krisha asked me while showing the new dress she bought for her date tonight.
"its cute" I said taking one look at her then continue reading the 5 people you'll meet in heaven by Mitch Albom, I bought it in the mall this afternoon while she's so busy shopping for a dress.
"that's all that get? two syllables? its cute???? after spending the whole day looking for this freakin dress, that's all you have to say??" she said looking like she's about to cry.
"alright alright. don't be so melodramatic cousin, it really looks good on you, and I'm sure your prince charming would love it. ooh wait, He does love it.." I said pointing at her back, where Christopher, her longest boyfriend ever was standing and carrying a big bouquet of blue roses, my cousin's fave.

oh well, you can't deny that after their 5 years of of being together, they're still in love with each other, the spark they felt for each other just never left.

they're walking together now, hand in hand, while my cousin is smelling the roses, and Christopher is grinning like an idiot.

"they're beautiful, thank you. I bought something for you too", Krisha was saying then handed Christopher the gift she bought, the one we search all day in the mall together.
"wow, you didn't have to. you were all that I need babe", Christopher said, then Krisha handed him the gift then kiss him in the lips, they made out for like a minute, like I wasn't there. They still wouldn't stop if I hadn't just interrupted.

They left after that, for their "candle light dinner" date, and at last once again, I was alone and in peace.

9:45 pm
my room

My eyes got tired from reading so I decided to go inside my room to check if I have any e-mails from my parents.
there were three.
One from my parents, one spam message, and another from an unknown.
I read my parents' first..

To: iwanttorawr@yahoo.com
Subject: Hi baby!
From: elizabethgomez@gmail.com

hello sweetie! how are you? your dad and I are having a great time here! Its fall, so sadly we won't experience snow, but that's okay! your uncle and auntie, and your cousin Hero, remember him darling? anyway, they are all very nice and even toured us around here! we went to San Francisco this morning, it was so beautiful in there! I just wish you and Henry were here with us. We miss you darling.
Don't forget to lock at night and be safe okay? tell your Nan to be careful always.

Love,
Mom

I replied to their message right away, telling them me and my brother were okay, not to worry and that they should have fun there, and that Nan is taking care of us, and that I miss them so much too.

I deleted the spam message, then read the last one.

To: iwanttorawr@yahoo.com
Subject: ...
From: partymaster@yahoo.com

hey there.saw you in my contacts, and I was just wondering who are you?

I was curious who was this person too, so I replied.. telling him I am Francesca, and asking him if he know me or something.

Luckily, He was also online at that time, so he replied telling me He don't know me, and its a mystery how he got hold of my email address.

I replied its okay, and that I was glad to actually meet him out of the blue.

He also replied, asking for an intro about myself, and if he can get my cellphone number.
I gave my number, and told him to just text me tomorrow because I should sleep already.

He agreed and said goodnight.

11:45 am
driving

I was thinking about that while I'm on my way to our meeting place.
THAT WAS WHEN I MET HIM. At that moment, I didn't know, had no idea at all, that I already met my Soulmate.
and that's what I'll call him, my soulmate, because he was never meant for me, but 10 years ago, I was willing to be meant for him.

I reached the restaurant he told me to meet him, I got out of the car headed to the restaurant, and saw him smiling beautifully at me.
And at that moment, I was not sure anymore if what I felt before was just an intense infatuation.

♥ 1:37 AM

saw you walking to the room..
thought i tried and talk to you.
babe am i ever glad, YOU WANTED ME TOO.

♥ 12:22 AM